Judged.

It's Christmas Eve and I thought I'd share a funny story. This happened last Thursday evening and it was only whilst discussing it last night, that we realised how funny the situation was. And people judged us to damnation with their eyes.

I was off work last Thursday and wanted to finish my Christmas shopping. Along with my wife and her sister, we went shopping locally to purchase our last few bits. My wife wanted to cut through a large relatively cut-price department store, to get to the main shopping centre.

On passing small Christmas gift bags, my wife commented on how nice and inexpensive they were to her sister. They had stopped - I had lost them mentally. They were distracted and in a shopping daze.

Gradually ushering them toward the exit and into the main shopping mall, they hesitated again. The rather awful Christmas jumper section had caught their eyes. Then I retold a story of how one of my best friends had stated to me the previous day, that he had found it difficult to find a decent Christmas jumper.

Little did I know - that I had been swallowed by the magic and allure of the department store. The Christmas music was also lulling me into the festive period, playing in the background.

I texted my mate telling him how great the selection was in this particular store. Then my sister-in-law suggested something that nearly made me fall over with laughter.

"Why don't we buy our Christmas day outfits here? And have a competition to see who can pick out the most disgusting one?"

I thought my wife would veto her mad plan, but she quickly agreed. I was totally in. I had spotted an awful jumper. I was confident of winning this test. And then the judging began.

The stern looks. The disapproving stares. The shaking of the heads. The way in which I laughed at something (which I thought was rotten) that others found fashionable. You can't hide that level of disapproval to a stranger. That made me laugh harder if I'm honest.

I know these large department stores hire store buyers that have their fingers on the pulse of fashion. They watch fashion trends and fashion houses to see "what's hot and what's not." But once I had spent five minutes in the awful, but beautiful itchy jumper section, everything seemed funny looking.

We split up and went our own ways picking up items for our Christmas day outfits. I picked up a rotten mustard jumper complete with brown elbow pads. It looked like wallpaper that hung on your parent's living room walls in years gone by.

I had decided to continue the 1970's look. So I bought tight, bright green trousers. Then continuing the theme, I picked up an orange hat, maroon socks and a large thick blue and red scarf. Feeling happy with myself and searching for the ladies, I thought I had chosen the perfect outfit. When we met up again ten minutes later, we laughed hard. My competition amongst the ladies was real tough.

My wife went for something akin to an outfit directly from the Roddy Doyle film, The Snapper. Bright and in your face. The kind of outfit where you need shades on.

My sister-in-law went for the librarian's wet dream look. Everything that any man, woman or child finds disgusting to look at. The funniest part was that she found the cardigan comfortable on.

As we shared how brilliant our outfits were, I felt eyes upon us. Judging us. Doing a twirl without drawing attention, I spotted five pairs of eyes gawping at us with derision.

Firstly - we were laughing far too loudly. Belly aching laughter that comes from the pit of your stomach. That was enough to draw people's attention. But then we became a little bit silly.

Customers were picking up some of the items we were ridiculing and then quickly putting them back. That drew stares too. We didn't mean to be disparaging of people's taste - we were just lost in the moment and a bit giddy.

Our giddiness was becoming infectious though. I started explaining why we were picking up these truly awful outfits. When they knew the story, they started laughing too.

The best part was when the two girls were paying for their clothes, they didn't notice how their laughter was affecting other people in the queue behind them. At least four of the five women in line were laughing to themselves - or at least smiling.

We were spreading Christmas cheer through our own silly mischievousness. Happy Christmas to you all!

The Funniest Little Man.

I laughed so hard at one stage yesterday, it nearly hurt my back. I know I cried - I tried to stop tears streaming down my face. That one simple sentence nearly floored my colleague and I. And it came from a young man. Aged just three years old - called Aaron.

This kid will break hearts when he is older. Whether he tries comedy as a future occupation is anyone's guess. He is a good looking boy and he seems to have the personality too. He acts as if he is 3 going on 73. That's what made his initial words so funny.

To hear the comment come out of his mouth seemed totally abstract and out of place. You don't expect to hear a three year old talk about the weather, just like an adult does. That's what nearly knocked us to the floor.

He stepped out of the rain, into the dry and said in a thick Birmingham accent.

"It's disgusting out there, innit?"

"What's disgusting?"

"That bleeding weather. It's hellish lashing out!"

He then walked ahead as if used to making statements like this. Like he didn't think it was anyway funny. He left two doubled-over grown adults, bursting their arses laughing in his wake.

We struggled to contain ourselves whilst trying to be professional. Then other adults started laughing and couldn't help themselves either. It became infectious. This little man didn't know the power of his words.

This is the type of laughter that hurts - in a good way. When no matter how you try to stop laughing - you can't. The kind of laughter that you wish you did more often. When something memorable like this incident, happens.

Little Aaron continued to amaze us for the short period of time he was in our company. He sat with his hands cupped across his chest and talked like a much older gentleman. He spoke with great manners and you could see from his Dad's gaze, that he was dead proud of his young son.

He apparently spends a lot of time in his grandfather's company and that's where the personality stems from. Aaron definitely has good role models in his life. And making others laugh seems to be at the core of his personality.

And don't forget the power of belly-aching laughter - it comes in all forms from all people - large and very small!

Bah Humbug to your lack of Christmas Spirit.

I arrived in Chicago this evening with a list that ended the Christmas shopping. I was a man on a mission with places to go to and items to be purchased. I had an actual list, so just like any man, all I had to do was hand the list to a store employee and ask where to find the remaining few pieces. Then I would stroll to the cash register and get the flock out of the shop as quickly as possible.


In the last week or so, I have started to get into the festive spirit. I, like most normal people, hate when the Christmas shopping mania starts when Halloween is just over. That is far too early for most sane individuals. I fall into this bracket. But once the first of December passes, I just can't help but fall into a better mood.

Is it the upbeat music? Is it the greetings you receive that sound more sincere when you walk into a store? Is it the sense of innocence that pervades each adult as they crave the need to be younger and have that excitement back? Whatever it is, I like it. I wish each month could be December, because everyone tolerates each other a little more patiently. Everyone gets a chance to enjoy themselves.

So tonight, after a successful nights shopping for the last few bits, I sat down in a famous pizzeria to gorge myself. I had run for three miles after a long days' work, so I felt I could splurge a little. I sat at the bar with other men and women who just wanted to tune out and eat carb-loaded food. Talking seemed to be the last thing on everyone's minds - which suited me just fine.

My pizza arrived just as a large party of people started to gather behind the bar. They were waiting for all of their friends to arrive before they were all seated. They were a mix of men and women, mainly couples who were eager to see each other before Christmas. They were all in great form and full of good cheer.

That's when I heard the first "tsk" on my right hand side. Then I heard the words "for fucks sake!"

I doubted myself initially, but then I saw my barman, Jeff, glance at the gentleman to my right too. He had heard it too.

As the group got larger, so did the banter. As more and more couples arrived, their greetings whilst polite and friendly, did get louder but weren't uncouth. I didn't mind, but one guest at the bar did. His tuttering began to become more pronounced. His body language stated that he didn't like their presence within the actual fifteen feet from him.

The man to my left spotted it too. It created an atmosphere that was totally unnecessary. All of a sudden everyone sitting at the bar was on tenterhooks, waiting for this guy to explode.

Finally, it became too much for him. Couple number seven arrived to much clapping of hands and hugs amongst multiple persons.

"Can you dumb fucks just pipe down! I'm trying to eat my dinner here!"

Quick as a flash, a silky, senior server intervened.

"Excuse me sir! If you continue that kind of language you will be escorted to the front door and your dinner will not be served to you! That kind of behaviour is not tolerated in this establishment! This group is a long standing booking with us for Christmas every year, and we are pleased to have their custom. Unlike you, they are loyal customers - so if you cannot find it in your heart to be a little more forgiving for others who wish to celebrate the holidays, I'd appreciate it if you took your business elsewhere!"

Struggling to come up with an answer, Joe Schmuck grabbed his long black overcoat and high-tailed it toward the front door. Everyone took their time to clap the server. She seemed totally embarrassed - not only by her outburst, but by the venom she delivered to a gobshite that deserved it. I think she surprised herself.

But it is a message to us all - be more patient and more giving this festive season to family, friends and those who you don't even know!