Verbal Diarrhoea.

We are all prone to it. It affects us all no matter what your intelligence level. It happens when you least expect it and hops out of your mouth before you realise that you uttered the words. And then twenty seconds later you wonder

"Why did I say that?"

It comes in many forms. There's the talking in a lift to strangers just because you can't stay quiet for ten seconds. It all stems back to the fact that you're nervous in a way about confined spaces and talking fills the void. But you leave the remaining people who are left in the lift wondering


"What the hell was he on about?"

Sometimes you start talking nonsense to a stranger who makes it obvious they have no idea what you're on about. Their face contorts and their eyes judge you immediately. They want to say "You're fecking nuts!"

But they politely and awkwardly ask "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

At times the crap pours out of your mouth despite your best efforts to halt it. It's like the dam has busted and you're trying to fix it with a band aid. That's when you know you should ring in sick and hide under the comfort of a duvet.

Two days ago, I made myself laugh at my own ineptitude of conversing with strangers. The inability to speak was staggering. Words were tumbling out of my mouth that made no sense. Thank God I didn't meet any of my friends - they would have asked me if I was okay, in a way that said I wasn't playing with a full deck.

It wasn't just a one-off occasion. It was viral. My mouth was betraying what I actually wanted to say. It's like when you're drunk, when your body does something you don't want it to. Having embarrassed myself through a mix of words that didn’t make any sense, I walked away then laughing at my own stupidity. Nothing looks odder than a grown man who, having sprouted versions of words, walks away laughing to himself. What would you think of him? Nutter.   


As a result, I made a decision to stop talking - so that would save me from further humiliation.

 

But my decision started affecting others as it oozed out of my pores. It spread like wildfire almost immediately. Within fifteen minutes some gobshite stopped me in the middle of the supermarket and asked me where the lettuce was! No word of a lie! And I was standing in the deodorant aisle with my iPod blaring in my ears!

Twenty minutes later I was back in the lift going back to my hotel room. I avoided eye contact with the other occupant and selected my floor by pressing the button. I held four heavy plastic bags, two in either hand. Suddenly, my fellow lift occupant, an elderly lady, moved quickly from the other corner of the lift and stuck her happy face into mine. She asked, out of nowhere, if I was having a good day! I laughed out loud, through nervousness and surprise, at the sudden intrusion into my personal space. I tried my best to cover it up by saying I was fine, and asked her in reply how her day was. But really I was just filling the time it took to get to my floor. The verbal nausea was flowing out from my veins!

And finally, I came across another headbanger in Logan airport Boston, as I waited in line for my sandwich. She stood far too close to me and kept on telling everyone who wanted to listen that she had paid for her chips and water. She kept pointing to me as if


I was her friend and I was someone who knew her well. I just kept moving aside every time she looked away. All the while she kept mumbling to herself.

The next time I wake with verbal diarrhoea I promise to fix it straight away. That way, it doesn’t affect you all.