Alex the Sleaze.

It was the overpowering smell of musky aftershave from some distance away that first alerted me to his presence. Then I heard his recoil of spittle as he snorted loudly and then swallowed. His overt confidence and necessity to shout everything made everybody wince at seeing him arrive in the door. I could read the minds of many around me who were thinking "Please don't seat that idiot near me tonight."

Upon first glance, I saw a bright pink shirt nearly open to the midriff. This revealed a dark brown tan and small gold necklace. He flexed his cuffs, straightening the ends to underline his importance. His deep hue of sun kissed skin accentuated his bright shiny white teeth even more. His shoes shined as if a military man had spit polished them for days.

It was a busy midweek night in a popular restaurant chain. I had, as per usual, taken up my customary seat at the bar, staying quiet to myself. Seating anywhere in the establishment was at a premium, so even the odd seats at the long bar were being snapped up. There was only one vacant seat on one side of me, and having seen that Mr.Obvious was in company with another man, I thanked my lucky stars.


The restaurant hadn't a record of his table booking and apologised immediately. He blamed his assistant, who wasn't in their company, conveniently. They offered him an alternative - just as a second seat right beside me opened up.

And then my long day just got that bit longer.

Before I had set eyes on this character, I initially guessed that he would have a “power shirt and suit” on. I guessed that he might be a high flier who was out to impress a client. He was given an account and was told to go wine, dine and entertain. But that was just my stereotypical brain working overtime.

As he and his friend took their seats to my right, I got a chance to take in more detail about this peacock.

The top three buttons open revealed a bare chest - yet his arms and hands were quite hairy. His hair was thick and black, with wisps of grey tickling the sides. His receding hairline, although it had crossed the top of his forehead, showed a fair amount of hair for a man in his early fifties. My initial reaction was that he looked like a movie extra from an early 1990's Mafia gangster film.  

His suit was neatly tailored for him - unlike his dining compatriot. His more sedate colleague wore less bright colours and a mismatched suit jacket and pants, preferring to merge into the background.

And then everyone was introduced to Alex and Nathan - whether they wanted to know or not. Alex, (with a NOT so slight over-annunciation on the letter A) was a real estate broker who had just sold a property worth six hundred thousand – and this young man beside him was his protege, Nathan. Nathan was in or around the same age as Alex, and just seemed to accept the inappropriate amount of back-slapping and incessant patronising from his boss.

They were out celebrating their sale and “painting the town red’, as Alex put it. Nathan managed to accept it and grinned a faint smile. His gait, slouch and downcast stare with Alex told its own story.

With little interaction with his colleague, Alex tried catching my eye. But I was too rooted into my paper. I knew that if I looked up, it was game over. He nudged me, ever so accidentally on purpose, sensing I wasn’t interested in knowing who he was. I simply sniffed, tilted my head in the opposite direction and flicked my paper. In truth, I was trying to get my nose out of the down draft of his strong aftershave that kept wafting my way.

Once Amy, our server gave them menus, he entered into conversation with her. I have known Amy for some time and she is a petite, bubbly blond lady – who is fiercely astute and efficient. Alex now, had a partner to indulge his over active mouth. In between the bouts of dialogue, Alex would titter to his friend Nathan and point toward Amy. Thank the heavens I didn't hear any mutterings, because I would have called him out on it. 

Before my food arrived, Alex made a big deal of taking off his navy pinstripe suit jacket. He had to point out to Nathan how much he’d paid for his Gucci suit and how someday Nathan would be able to afford his own. Nathan just took another deep breath and let it go.

As he sat back down I noticed the silver cuff links with the capital letter A etched onto the face. As he bounced back into his leather topped bar stool, I saw a flash of a gold bracelet. 

My food arrived just as the two men ordered their drinks. Alex wanted water, as he said he wanted to pace himself for the long night ahead.

But he didn’t want any ordinary water – he wanted bottled water. Amy listed the bottled still waters and he waited until she finished before he stated that he wanted sparkling spring water. So then Amy listed off their sparkling waters. He settled on one called Saratoga Springs but he wanted it ice cold - ice cold without any actual ice in his glass.

At this stage people around me were shaking their heads at his annoying attitude. All the servers on the floor and behind the bar were working flat out and he wanted to know every detail about every item they had in stock. I caught a passing glance from Amy that told me what she thought of this "gentleman".

And then he wanted a glass of Merlot – what did Amy recommend?

Nathan sensed the general mood around him and ordered a draft beer and tap water - very much akin to his clothing and demeanour - straight forward. Alex insisted that he try the chilled Saratoga Springs where you could nearly “taste the bubbles” – I had to shove some mashed potato into my gob to muffle my laughter. I think Nathan heard my garbled guffaw.

As Amy returned with Alex’s glass of red wine, I saw him do something curious. I saw him slip off his gold wedding band and slide it into his pocket, even though he didn’t realise that his tan line was now showing on his left hand. More chat went back and forth between Alex and Amy, but it was just banter and reference to the fact that Alex was from Long Island. Did I not mention that? Because he did – multiple times!

As I finished my second beer and dinner, I really wanted another drink. But the crap that was wilfully dripping out of Alex’s mouth made me want to go home. But I didn't - curiousity was getting the better of me.

As Amy was asked more inane and personal questions, Alex obviously thought that he was getting somewhere with this efficient and friendly server. As she revealed that she had a husband and a young son, Alex then changed his tune. Then he slipped his wedding ring back on!

He regaled us all with stories of his daughter and how she would paint his toenails on Sundays while he watched football. It all seemed very endearing, but I think we all knew it was bullshit.

As I paid my check and drenched the last dregs of my third beer, the two men beside me had just finished dinner. Alex made a big show of stating that “he was going to drain the lizard”. I said thanks to Amy and nodded to Nathan. He nodded back, almost in sympathy.

Then he did something hilarious.

Nathan grabbed the check on the bar top. He handed Amy his credit card and asked her to add twenty percent. She stated the total which he quickly agreed. He signed the docket as he put on his over sized jacket.

Nathan took his opportunity to get out – while he still had a chance. I laughed all the way back to my hotel.

I'd say Alex's face was a pretty picture when he returned from the restroom.